You'll go away to

"Lord, to whom shall we go?" John 6:68

If you're an exjw you've likely had this phrase hurled at you by a current member in an attempt to darken the path you've chosen and scare you back into the fold. The idea here is that everything you've learned about the watchtower may be true, yet where else could be better? If you ever find yourself on the other end of this verbiage understand that this is an unconditional surrender. 

Yes, it is the severance of reasoning and suspension of resistance to the notion that their are any redeeming qualities available for use in regaining a "lost sheep". It is also a false choice and a dishonest question. 

It's asking you to suspend whatever notion you have of free will and consider all that you stand to lose. 

It's telling you that being controlled is the only context in which you can live. That you must leave here and follow someone. 

Finally, it is telling you that there is no place cooler than the fire in which you burn. 

Not long after my awakening, I asked an activist for advice navigating the exjw community. Their response was "I don't consider myself a part of any community." Further, "there is no community." 

I think this is true, for that activist. Just as it is true for others to say that they are a part of a "Vast Apostate Army." The importance lies in the choice. That our belonging or solitary activism is a product of our brain trust. These choices we make in relation to our post watchtower monikers are in fact an upending of the question "to whom shall we go?" 

Is that it? Is it as simple as freeing a bird? Don't we all wish. Many of us lose everything we've ever known. We even lose what we knew. The things that were once true are no longer. We had brothers and sisters, elders and pioneers, overseers. We knew that we were a part of something real, something that you could trust and that it was the best thing you could have! That this was the best person we could be. Now who are we; and to whom shall we go? Is it church? is it humanism? Is it activism is it living our best lives and being our best selves far away from what we thought was the best life and our best self? Is there an exjw community that I can go away to? Will they love me? Are they my true brothers and sisters? Are they their best selves? Am I? Can I ever be? Can anyone?

“outside are the dogs” (Re 22:15)

Are we the dogs? Have we become lumped in with the worst of the worst since leaving the watchtower? We may have.  We all have the potential to be just about anyone and anything we like. There is no template. There is no roadmap. There are no guarantees. 

The truth of our new world is that some of us will not grow stronger after leaving. Some of us will not be able to process what they have lost and some of us will be lost. 

Opening up the human mind to a world of possibilities means that almost anything is possible. Including falling into a new ideology that is as harmful or worse than the devil we've all known. 

The making of our new selves is a meticulous process. There is much work to be done. Sadly, some of us won't do the work. Some won't even see that there is work to be done, that growth is needed. 

Some of us will go away to something horrible. Something that takes away the rights of others, something that silences victims of sexual abuse, spousal abuse, racism, and sexism. 

Some of us won't speak out, some of us won't listen.

We will not all get along. There will be fights. Horrible conflagrations will erupt and splinter us to the point that we feel like we were better off back in our cages. Back to the safety of our infantile napping mind. There was no fighting there, we forgave each other. We never fought with our brothers! No we fought against them. Against ourselves and against their awakenings. And eventually we fought to get away from them and there is no going back there. 

To quote Peter Dinklage "You're in the great game now"

We are indeed in a game and the stakes are set at the rest of our lives. So we better fight! Whether you've forgotten how or never learned in the first place, this is the time to learn the mechanics of situational pugilism. You may have to fight every minute of everyday for the rest of your life for one thing or another. It could be your mother, your brother, your sister or your lover. Hell, they may all come at you at once or someone may come after them, but you need to know how to get in the weeds and defend what you love. If you see a war flaring on social media, don't sit on the sidelines. There will be no solace for your silence. The battles we fight are a learning experience. Every blow we take is a lesson. Every blow we deal is a lesson for someone else.

You may be wrong, you may make a fool of yourself or you may hurt someone you love, but you'll sharpen your blade, and soften your bed. You'll have your say and you'll hear someone out. You'll learn that were all just dogs howling at the moon. Shouting out our primal grievances in to the vacuous chaotic void. Fighting for our future. 

This isn't despair porn. This is living free.

So when they ask us, To whom shall we go? We can tell them we're not going away to anyone. We've gone away to fight.