Intro
Let this initial entry serve as my hat being officially thrown into the ever growing field of Ex activism. I expect my voice to be largely ignored and my ego to be unchanged as I send these thoughts into the void.
The above paragraph is a glimpse into my current relation with my former indoctrination and it's chaotic representation in my mind. Yes, I am a former Jehovah's Witness. No I have not completely healed. Yes, I am coherent enough to weigh in effectively. No, I will not have all the answers nor will I get everything right. Yes, I will be here writing for a while and hoping to help people understand where they are and where they might end up should they ever decide to leave this ghastly commune.
So here we go.
My name is Leon Cowan. I was born in the Jehovah's Witness religion 39 years ago.
My father was an elder for my entire life and was a congregation overseer for many years (before passing away) in 2008. My mother is a regular pioneer. I have 3 sisters, 2 out and 1 still very much in.
That was my immediate family structure growing up. There was also my Aunt, who introduced my mother to the Watchtower and my Grandmother who introduced my father. We lived in South Central Los Angeles during the crack epidemic of the 80's and 90's. In some ways I think being a JW kept my family away from some of those problems, however I also think about all the potential we had and how much of it was crushed by unnatural inertia of waiting for Armageddon.
Most of my early life was filled with fear and failure at various levels. Prior to my baptism, at 14; I was a kid who wore tube socks and penny loafers to the kingdom hall because I was a Michael Jackson super fan. This fact disqualified me from being accepted for baptism a year earlier. This was probably the first time I remember having my individuality curbed by someone who wasn't my parents. This was the actual elder machine telling me I wasn't who I needed to be to be accepted into the community. Imagine that. My father was the top elder in the congregation and my father and somehow I wasn't the goods.
In retrospect there were two main reasons I even wanted to be baptized. 1. 12-14 was the age most every borns in got dunked and 2. I was terrified of losing a colloquial distinction called "parent's merit". see below.
You'll notice the writers of this article are ambiguous about the age where a child is eligible for death based on their own behavior. This murky threat was used by my parents to scare me into action. I remember asking my father pointedly during a family study if I was still under "parent's merit" his response was "probably not, you're old enough to understand the truth." This was just before I made my first push for baptism. I was 12.
I'm not going to tell my life story here in the intro. I just wanted to start at the beginning and provide a foundation for my area of focus in the blog posts to come. I will be delving into the damage done by believing things that are not true and how trust is weaponized. I will show exactly how the watchtower bible and tract society nearly caused me to take my own life and why I chose not to.
The above paragraph is a glimpse into my current relation with my former indoctrination and it's chaotic representation in my mind. Yes, I am a former Jehovah's Witness. No I have not completely healed. Yes, I am coherent enough to weigh in effectively. No, I will not have all the answers nor will I get everything right. Yes, I will be here writing for a while and hoping to help people understand where they are and where they might end up should they ever decide to leave this ghastly commune.
So here we go.
My name is Leon Cowan. I was born in the Jehovah's Witness religion 39 years ago.
My father was an elder for my entire life and was a congregation overseer for many years (before passing away) in 2008. My mother is a regular pioneer. I have 3 sisters, 2 out and 1 still very much in.
That was my immediate family structure growing up. There was also my Aunt, who introduced my mother to the Watchtower and my Grandmother who introduced my father. We lived in South Central Los Angeles during the crack epidemic of the 80's and 90's. In some ways I think being a JW kept my family away from some of those problems, however I also think about all the potential we had and how much of it was crushed by unnatural inertia of waiting for Armageddon.
Most of my early life was filled with fear and failure at various levels. Prior to my baptism, at 14; I was a kid who wore tube socks and penny loafers to the kingdom hall because I was a Michael Jackson super fan. This fact disqualified me from being accepted for baptism a year earlier. This was probably the first time I remember having my individuality curbed by someone who wasn't my parents. This was the actual elder machine telling me I wasn't who I needed to be to be accepted into the community. Imagine that. My father was the top elder in the congregation and my father and somehow I wasn't the goods.
In retrospect there were two main reasons I even wanted to be baptized. 1. 12-14 was the age most every borns in got dunked and 2. I was terrified of losing a colloquial distinction called "parent's merit". see below.
You'll notice the writers of this article are ambiguous about the age where a child is eligible for death based on their own behavior. This murky threat was used by my parents to scare me into action. I remember asking my father pointedly during a family study if I was still under "parent's merit" his response was "probably not, you're old enough to understand the truth." This was just before I made my first push for baptism. I was 12.
I'm not going to tell my life story here in the intro. I just wanted to start at the beginning and provide a foundation for my area of focus in the blog posts to come. I will be delving into the damage done by believing things that are not true and how trust is weaponized. I will show exactly how the watchtower bible and tract society nearly caused me to take my own life and why I chose not to.
Thank you for sharing you upbringing and life as a JW. I look forward to reading more for you. You have a lot of courage. Your blog will encourage other exjw's and hopefully some that are pimo.
ReplyDeleteI truly hope this is true. I'm pouring everything I have into this.
DeleteThanks for your new blog. Martins Kingdom of the Cults has a great chapter on JWs. Highly recommended. I've got a couple insights in study with them until I was told that my father was the devil. I am not, but am an avid student of Biblical literature and its challenges.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading Daniel and for the recommendation!
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