Self Shunning Pt 2.
As I stated in Pt. 1, I didn't not write another suicide letter, however suicide never stopped being an option in the back of my mind. It was my get out of jail free card. Additionally, the sentiment my mother expressed in her kind olive branch to my young self also stayed with me. I always felt it was her taking a stand against some of the clearly rigid standards that were being administered in our home, however it didn't last.
Dating worldly people was never acceptable in our home and I never actually felt comfortable telling her how I felt about any girl I was interested in. She had saying "the worst Jehovah's witness is better than the best worldly person." This actually wasn't the first time I remember my mother seeing me in distress and trying to have a warm and normal maternal response, however those moments were often fleeting and the default position was solidarity with the watchtower and their hard line stances.
Since I've left this cult, I've had several epiphanies. I've come to understand that being controlled for long periods of time is an social abomination. Humans are explorers and testers. We've evolved to have autonomy and free thought. When these traits are curbed by undue influence, a kind of mania ensues.
They were telling her that education was only good for so much, that most of the world was bad and that forming meaningful relationships was useless.
The above notion "Temporary Residents in a Wicked World" is a notion my mother became obsessed with. The idea that we (her children) had no futures in this world was ingrained in us from birth.
"You'll never make it to 4 years old"
This my mom said of my oldest sister. I've been told that she held repeated this proclamation for each of us. I have to wonder what must have been going on in her mind each time one of us reached that age and the end hadn't arrived. I have to wonder how she felt as the years kept coming and the constant indoctrination continued to suppress whoever she once was. I think about her temper and the anger she seemed to always be carrying around. I often lament my own experience as a Jehovah's witness, however I escaped. These days I find myself also lamenting those who are still in. Some of whom are struggling with their decisions, yet have had their instincts so dulled that they can barely muster the energy to fight for their own psyche.
I've never been fully shunned by my mother. She's never told me to go away and never speak to her again. The two times I was disfellowshipped, I left voluntarily home and went to live with my sister. I was never asked to leave even though I was an adult.
Even thought I was never fully shunned my mother did enact what I would call "soft shunning," which in many ways is more diabolical.
For example, I got married while I was disfellowshipped. She wouldn't attend. Our wedding was beautiful and it took place at a neutral location (City Hall, San Francisco). She feigned an interest in attending, but didn't. She sent my oldest sister instead.
At the time I was numb. It hadn't occurred to me how big of a deal it was to speak to your mother on a regular basis and then have her miss one of the most important events of your life. Why didn't this occur to me? Well, although I was only months away from my ultimate awakening; I was still self shunning. I still walked with my head half down believing myself to be in a state of perpetual inferiority.
"She's a pioneer, of course she won't attend"
"It's ok, this is normal for Jehovah's witness"
It wasn't normal and it wasn't ok.
"The past is a wilderness of horrors, never look back!"
Anthony Hopkins - The Wolf man
Ok that was kind of shit movie, however that line resonates with me. Looking back on all the wreckage is incredibly difficult. Weighing who you are with who you've been and who you could have been, melts the mind. I must say though, there is a catharsis and some growth of perspective available. Besides, I have to look back. There is no getting away from it all and there is so much to review and make sense of.
In the last congregation I attended there was an elder who glommed onto me. He was relatively young and had a wife and two children. He had been disfellowshipped at one point and came back with a vengeance. He was the perfect candidate for an elder. He was there when my awakening was occurring.
I remember at one point asking him how he felt about his time when he was away from the watchtower. His family shunned him 100%. I asked him if he felt like he deserved it. He told me that he was selfish and that's why he was disfellowshipped and yes he deserved it and it helped him see what he needed to do to come back.
I knew what he was saying was code for self shunning.
Selfishness is not curable by social isolation.
I didn't pry into the details of his expulsion any further. I knew quite a bit about his life. What I was doing was testing the effectiveness of this institution and what I found is that it is ironclad.
The watchtower hopes that you will each of their members will see anytime outside of their direct control as a nightmare. They only want us to see ourselves as viable in a single context. At a time when this elder was supposedly being selfish, he was also meeting his wife to be and mother of his children. Getting a job that would support that family. None of that was ever mentioned, because that part of him was shunned.
As time went on and I learned how awful the watchtower was, I began sharing things with this elder. At first he seemed like he was listening and being a true friend. After a while he showed his true colors. He invited me to lunch and I told him everything. I went full apostate and he went full elder. I won't go through it all, however at one point I told him I wanted to be removed from their records. I didn't want them using me to pad their stats. I also indicated if they made any announcement at their kingdom hall that I was carrying any new watchtower distinction such as disfellowshipped or disassociated I would sue them.
After some back and forth we parted ways and he quipped "It was nice talking to you Broth... Oh I guess I can't call you that anymore."
The old me would have let it go, however I now embrace myself and my worth and I let him know that no matter what he was my brother and that no organization could control me placing or removing that distinction.
Dating worldly people was never acceptable in our home and I never actually felt comfortable telling her how I felt about any girl I was interested in. She had saying "the worst Jehovah's witness is better than the best worldly person." This actually wasn't the first time I remember my mother seeing me in distress and trying to have a warm and normal maternal response, however those moments were often fleeting and the default position was solidarity with the watchtower and their hard line stances.
Since I've left this cult, I've had several epiphanies. I've come to understand that being controlled for long periods of time is an social abomination. Humans are explorers and testers. We've evolved to have autonomy and free thought. When these traits are curbed by undue influence, a kind of mania ensues.
We may seem that most JWs loyally walk the line of indoctrination for the entirety of their lives, however this is not always the case. These are still human beings. There are moments of clarity that emerge and those are the openings that can lead to awakenings. Sadly, the watchtower has accounted for these moments. This is why Jehovah's Witnesses are constantly kept busy. It is why they are so thoroughly admonished for missing meetings.
The watchtower seems to have an understanding of how easy it is for a person to shake away the effects of their indoctrination. There were times when my family would miss back to back meetings, or field service. Some of those times it was because of some kind of event, such as a sickness or vacation, however I remember there would be much less stress in our home and when it was time for us to get back to our routine, everyone seemed to fall into a dense melancholia. Imagine a prison inmate being allowed freedom for a few days only to be rushed back to a chain gang. It hurts to think about those moments. To wonder about what we could have been. Just before my mother was baptized she was taking courses in school for child development. She had intentions at giving us a good life and was actively working to be a good mother, yet there was another force actively working against her.
They were telling her that education was only good for so much, that most of the world was bad and that forming meaningful relationships was useless.
The above notion "Temporary Residents in a Wicked World" is a notion my mother became obsessed with. The idea that we (her children) had no futures in this world was ingrained in us from birth.
"You'll never make it to 4 years old"
This my mom said of my oldest sister. I've been told that she held repeated this proclamation for each of us. I have to wonder what must have been going on in her mind each time one of us reached that age and the end hadn't arrived. I have to wonder how she felt as the years kept coming and the constant indoctrination continued to suppress whoever she once was. I think about her temper and the anger she seemed to always be carrying around. I often lament my own experience as a Jehovah's witness, however I escaped. These days I find myself also lamenting those who are still in. Some of whom are struggling with their decisions, yet have had their instincts so dulled that they can barely muster the energy to fight for their own psyche.
I've never been fully shunned by my mother. She's never told me to go away and never speak to her again. The two times I was disfellowshipped, I left voluntarily home and went to live with my sister. I was never asked to leave even though I was an adult.
Even thought I was never fully shunned my mother did enact what I would call "soft shunning," which in many ways is more diabolical.
For example, I got married while I was disfellowshipped. She wouldn't attend. Our wedding was beautiful and it took place at a neutral location (City Hall, San Francisco). She feigned an interest in attending, but didn't. She sent my oldest sister instead.
At the time I was numb. It hadn't occurred to me how big of a deal it was to speak to your mother on a regular basis and then have her miss one of the most important events of your life. Why didn't this occur to me? Well, although I was only months away from my ultimate awakening; I was still self shunning. I still walked with my head half down believing myself to be in a state of perpetual inferiority.
"She's a pioneer, of course she won't attend"
"It's ok, this is normal for Jehovah's witness"
It wasn't normal and it wasn't ok.
"The past is a wilderness of horrors, never look back!"
Anthony Hopkins - The Wolf man
Ok that was kind of shit movie, however that line resonates with me. Looking back on all the wreckage is incredibly difficult. Weighing who you are with who you've been and who you could have been, melts the mind. I must say though, there is a catharsis and some growth of perspective available. Besides, I have to look back. There is no getting away from it all and there is so much to review and make sense of.
In the last congregation I attended there was an elder who glommed onto me. He was relatively young and had a wife and two children. He had been disfellowshipped at one point and came back with a vengeance. He was the perfect candidate for an elder. He was there when my awakening was occurring.
I remember at one point asking him how he felt about his time when he was away from the watchtower. His family shunned him 100%. I asked him if he felt like he deserved it. He told me that he was selfish and that's why he was disfellowshipped and yes he deserved it and it helped him see what he needed to do to come back.
I knew what he was saying was code for self shunning.
Selfishness is not curable by social isolation.
I didn't pry into the details of his expulsion any further. I knew quite a bit about his life. What I was doing was testing the effectiveness of this institution and what I found is that it is ironclad.
The watchtower hopes that you will each of their members will see anytime outside of their direct control as a nightmare. They only want us to see ourselves as viable in a single context. At a time when this elder was supposedly being selfish, he was also meeting his wife to be and mother of his children. Getting a job that would support that family. None of that was ever mentioned, because that part of him was shunned.
As time went on and I learned how awful the watchtower was, I began sharing things with this elder. At first he seemed like he was listening and being a true friend. After a while he showed his true colors. He invited me to lunch and I told him everything. I went full apostate and he went full elder. I won't go through it all, however at one point I told him I wanted to be removed from their records. I didn't want them using me to pad their stats. I also indicated if they made any announcement at their kingdom hall that I was carrying any new watchtower distinction such as disfellowshipped or disassociated I would sue them.
After some back and forth we parted ways and he quipped "It was nice talking to you Broth... Oh I guess I can't call you that anymore."
The old me would have let it go, however I now embrace myself and my worth and I let him know that no matter what he was my brother and that no organization could control me placing or removing that distinction.
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