Self Shunning Pt. 1
I was 19 years old the first time I was disfellowshipped. I remember being terrified. I knew that my parents might kick me out of the home I'd always known as they did with my older sister.
I begged the body of elders not to disfellowshipping me. I cried, I told them I wanted another chance. They did it anyway. Full disclosure, I had already been publically reproved twice. This was announced to the congregation, however there was no mandate to shun the perpetrator, as there is with disfellowshipping. I'm not sure if this is something the watchtower still does, however back then it was used as a way to alert the congregation that a person may be good association.
I always felt like I deserved those punishments and the humiliation that followed. After all, these were things I had been warned would come should I ever deviate from the watchtower's rules on "gross sin." I had done so. I remember having to tell my parents that I was having a judicial committee. They didn't say much. I mean they were clearly being disappointed, however there was nothing mentioned in relation to shunning. My guess is that most Jehovah's witness parents are much more concerned with the punishment than they are the crime. The watchtower is a punitive organization. Fear of reprisal is the number 1 motivation for conformity in their ranks.
You can literally lose everything: Your home, your job, your community. This is the power they wield and they wield it with a heavy hand. After I presented my case for not being disfellowshipped. I recall being asked to step outside while the elder's deliberated. Though, outside didn't mean outside of the kingdom hall. It meant outside of the tiny room where the committee was held. I could of course hear the deliberations going on inside. That day I learned that they have a strategy in these committees. They employ a kind of good cop bad cop routine. There is a sympathetic elder who seems to be there to soften you up and gain your trust, then they bring in the attack dog to apply pressure in the opposite direction.
"If you're so sorry, how come you didn't come to us sooner"
"Did you use a condom?"
"You took the time to buy condoms!?"
"Sounds like you had a plan, that isn't repentance"
Again, I never questioned any of it. I never thought to myself 'they sure do put a lot of effort into this'. No, I just sat there and meekly allowed these unqualified men to take control of my life.
Over the years I've come to understand that these judicial hearings and their subsequent punishments are an integral part of the watchtower's indoctrination matrix. Once the euphoria of being born again in baptism wears off, the reality of having live up to an impossible standard sets in. One way to keep a healthy member count is to create a sickness in your laity that they can never cure.
It's also helpful if they buy into this sickness and police themselves, which I did regularly. When I began the reinstatement process, if I encountered an active Jehovah's witness I made sure I put my head down, or looked away. If I was attending a kingdom hall where no one knew my status, I would interrupt their handshake with an announcement that I was disfellowshipped, which would usually lead to the person doing an abrupt about face.
Sadly, the self policing is worse in your head. At the end of my second disfellowshipping hearing and elder told me that I was demonized and that in fact a legion of demons would enter my body now that I was being cast out of the organization. I believed it. I behaved as if it were true. This is because I had been hearing this throughout my life at the meetings.
ws13 2/15 p. 19
I knew I was to be one of the slain, I knew as far back as High school when I stopped brushing my teeth and bathing regularly. I knew when I punched a hole in my door. I knew when they expelled me for from school for fighting. Life was beginning to lose meaning and I was drawing dead.
Each sin was a step outside of the tent of protection. Even when I hadn't sinned. There was always an idea in my mind that I couldn't be good enough and that the probable outcome was death at Armageddon. Yet, I still had hope. Around the time of my first disfellowshipping I came to understand that there was a way out. If you died before Armageddon you had a better chance than those who were directly killed by god. This idea became so appealing to me. It fill me with hope.
I figured there had to be at least some good in me and if I could just exit this world before I'd done too many bad things, Jehovah would fix everything that was wrong with me in this new world.
I started writing suicide letters around 16 years old. The last letter I wrote was a list of thanks and apologies.
I don't remember all of them but I remember thanking my mom. There was a time in elementary school when I had a crush on a girl and my father found out. He told me that I was going to be beaten for this once I got home from school.
Normally I would have had to live with threat all day, however at some point my mom called and told me that I was not going to be beaten and if I ever had a crush on a girl that I could always talk to her about it. I will never forget that. It was one of the few times in my life I felt like someone was telling me it was ok to be alive in this world and to feel something real for someone who wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. This single jester may have saved my life, as I wrote that thank you, I decided I would not go through with suicide and that I needed to find a way to survive in this world.
I never wrote another letter.
To be continued.
I begged the body of elders not to disfellowshipping me. I cried, I told them I wanted another chance. They did it anyway. Full disclosure, I had already been publically reproved twice. This was announced to the congregation, however there was no mandate to shun the perpetrator, as there is with disfellowshipping. I'm not sure if this is something the watchtower still does, however back then it was used as a way to alert the congregation that a person may be good association.
I always felt like I deserved those punishments and the humiliation that followed. After all, these were things I had been warned would come should I ever deviate from the watchtower's rules on "gross sin." I had done so. I remember having to tell my parents that I was having a judicial committee. They didn't say much. I mean they were clearly being disappointed, however there was nothing mentioned in relation to shunning. My guess is that most Jehovah's witness parents are much more concerned with the punishment than they are the crime. The watchtower is a punitive organization. Fear of reprisal is the number 1 motivation for conformity in their ranks.
You can literally lose everything: Your home, your job, your community. This is the power they wield and they wield it with a heavy hand. After I presented my case for not being disfellowshipped. I recall being asked to step outside while the elder's deliberated. Though, outside didn't mean outside of the kingdom hall. It meant outside of the tiny room where the committee was held. I could of course hear the deliberations going on inside. That day I learned that they have a strategy in these committees. They employ a kind of good cop bad cop routine. There is a sympathetic elder who seems to be there to soften you up and gain your trust, then they bring in the attack dog to apply pressure in the opposite direction.
"If you're so sorry, how come you didn't come to us sooner"
"Did you use a condom?"
"You took the time to buy condoms!?"
"Sounds like you had a plan, that isn't repentance"
Again, I never questioned any of it. I never thought to myself 'they sure do put a lot of effort into this'. No, I just sat there and meekly allowed these unqualified men to take control of my life.
Over the years I've come to understand that these judicial hearings and their subsequent punishments are an integral part of the watchtower's indoctrination matrix. Once the euphoria of being born again in baptism wears off, the reality of having live up to an impossible standard sets in. One way to keep a healthy member count is to create a sickness in your laity that they can never cure.
It's also helpful if they buy into this sickness and police themselves, which I did regularly. When I began the reinstatement process, if I encountered an active Jehovah's witness I made sure I put my head down, or looked away. If I was attending a kingdom hall where no one knew my status, I would interrupt their handshake with an announcement that I was disfellowshipped, which would usually lead to the person doing an abrupt about face.
Sadly, the self policing is worse in your head. At the end of my second disfellowshipping hearing and elder told me that I was demonized and that in fact a legion of demons would enter my body now that I was being cast out of the organization. I believed it. I behaved as if it were true. This is because I had been hearing this throughout my life at the meetings.
ws13 2/15 p. 19
I knew I was to be one of the slain, I knew as far back as High school when I stopped brushing my teeth and bathing regularly. I knew when I punched a hole in my door. I knew when they expelled me for from school for fighting. Life was beginning to lose meaning and I was drawing dead.
Each sin was a step outside of the tent of protection. Even when I hadn't sinned. There was always an idea in my mind that I couldn't be good enough and that the probable outcome was death at Armageddon. Yet, I still had hope. Around the time of my first disfellowshipping I came to understand that there was a way out. If you died before Armageddon you had a better chance than those who were directly killed by god. This idea became so appealing to me. It fill me with hope.
I figured there had to be at least some good in me and if I could just exit this world before I'd done too many bad things, Jehovah would fix everything that was wrong with me in this new world.
I started writing suicide letters around 16 years old. The last letter I wrote was a list of thanks and apologies.
I don't remember all of them but I remember thanking my mom. There was a time in elementary school when I had a crush on a girl and my father found out. He told me that I was going to be beaten for this once I got home from school.
Normally I would have had to live with threat all day, however at some point my mom called and told me that I was not going to be beaten and if I ever had a crush on a girl that I could always talk to her about it. I will never forget that. It was one of the few times in my life I felt like someone was telling me it was ok to be alive in this world and to feel something real for someone who wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. This single jester may have saved my life, as I wrote that thank you, I decided I would not go through with suicide and that I needed to find a way to survive in this world.
I never wrote another letter.
To be continued.
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