To our weakest selves
The following letter was written by my good friend Stephanie Logan. Stephanie wrote this letter 3 months after her awakening and 2 months before she was able to formally leave the Watchtower organization. It is a letter she wrote to future herself.
As I read through this letter, I realized that it could have been written to any of us who have left or are hoping to leave. So to any who may be struggling, please let this letter serve as a shield that we may carry as we walk into the blinding winds of the rest of our lives.
To My Weakest Self:
I know.
My dear sweet girl, I know. I know how afraid you are.
I know the height and breadth of your fear. I understand it’s gravity. I know the shape of its shadow on the pavement when you walk on the road. I know how it follows you. I know how its demon claws puppet your features so that any look of serenity is morphed into a look of agony.
I know that you cling to a raft of sanity, weathering a seemingly endless ocean of grief. I know that you are moments away from drowning.
But listen to me.
The world you are in - the world you are trying to escape - is a world of your own making. You are being attacked by a weapon of your own design. Which should not discourage you, but bolster you. You created a life for yourself...which means you can do it again.
Every cut you will get is the result of holding a double edge sword.
You will lose your family and that hurts. But only because you had a family you loved in the first place. You will lose every friend you ever made. That hurts but only because you were good enough to be so beloved. If you were less connected to the people around you this would hurt so much less. But you aren’t. So it does. Be thankful for the pain. It means you did well for yourself the first time. You will do well again.
As for the loss of your faith; do not abandon it - transfer it.
Humanity emerged from chance and chaos and used their beautiful minds to create stories of order. They ascribed meaning to the world around them and made their lives richer for it. They created the Creator. They took the best of humanity and rolled it up into an ideal. You cannot fault men for envisioning perfection. It was something to emulate. Something to better themselves.
You did good things in the name of this idea. You learned compassion and non-judgment and the value of actionable love. Take those lessons with you and use them. Remember that you were not created in God’s image but He was created in yours. Everything you became...everything you accomplished...every good quality you developed....those things were not bestowed upon you by a metaphysical force. You did that on your own. You became what you are on your own merit. So you can transform into anything.
So have faith in yourself.
Change. And if you don’t like what you become, change again. You have already proven that you have the power of metamorphosis. So use it to serve yourself.
Your terror and grief at this moment is understandable. But it is not permanent. It will end just like all bad moments end. This letter is proof of that. As you write this you are okay. You are aware of your problems, but they are not consuming you. You will get to a place of stability and acceptance once again. You always land on your feet.
You cannot change the hand you were dealt, but you can play that hand better. You can work past your fear and create an inner strength that will stay with you in your worst moments. You don’t have to accept what you were born to forever.
You will not accept it.
No longer will you work in service to fairytales. No longer will you thank someone else for what you fought for. No longer will you live in subservience. Not to a man. Not to an organization. Not even to a God.
You bow to no one.
Fight hard. Fight well. Give your life everything you’ve got. And only when you’ve exhausted every effort, may you give in to despair. Until then, do not wallow in self-pity. Put in the work.
I say all of this because I love you and I know you are capable of this.
You can do this. I promise.
Get to work.
With Love,
Stephanie
As I read through this letter, I realized that it could have been written to any of us who have left or are hoping to leave. So to any who may be struggling, please let this letter serve as a shield that we may carry as we walk into the blinding winds of the rest of our lives.
To My Weakest Self:
I know.
My dear sweet girl, I know. I know how afraid you are.
I know the height and breadth of your fear. I understand it’s gravity. I know the shape of its shadow on the pavement when you walk on the road. I know how it follows you. I know how its demon claws puppet your features so that any look of serenity is morphed into a look of agony.
I know that you cling to a raft of sanity, weathering a seemingly endless ocean of grief. I know that you are moments away from drowning.
But listen to me.
The world you are in - the world you are trying to escape - is a world of your own making. You are being attacked by a weapon of your own design. Which should not discourage you, but bolster you. You created a life for yourself...which means you can do it again.
Every cut you will get is the result of holding a double edge sword.
You will lose your family and that hurts. But only because you had a family you loved in the first place. You will lose every friend you ever made. That hurts but only because you were good enough to be so beloved. If you were less connected to the people around you this would hurt so much less. But you aren’t. So it does. Be thankful for the pain. It means you did well for yourself the first time. You will do well again.
As for the loss of your faith; do not abandon it - transfer it.
Humanity emerged from chance and chaos and used their beautiful minds to create stories of order. They ascribed meaning to the world around them and made their lives richer for it. They created the Creator. They took the best of humanity and rolled it up into an ideal. You cannot fault men for envisioning perfection. It was something to emulate. Something to better themselves.
You did good things in the name of this idea. You learned compassion and non-judgment and the value of actionable love. Take those lessons with you and use them. Remember that you were not created in God’s image but He was created in yours. Everything you became...everything you accomplished...every good quality you developed....those things were not bestowed upon you by a metaphysical force. You did that on your own. You became what you are on your own merit. So you can transform into anything.
So have faith in yourself.
Change. And if you don’t like what you become, change again. You have already proven that you have the power of metamorphosis. So use it to serve yourself.
Your terror and grief at this moment is understandable. But it is not permanent. It will end just like all bad moments end. This letter is proof of that. As you write this you are okay. You are aware of your problems, but they are not consuming you. You will get to a place of stability and acceptance once again. You always land on your feet.
You cannot change the hand you were dealt, but you can play that hand better. You can work past your fear and create an inner strength that will stay with you in your worst moments. You don’t have to accept what you were born to forever.
You will not accept it.
No longer will you work in service to fairytales. No longer will you thank someone else for what you fought for. No longer will you live in subservience. Not to a man. Not to an organization. Not even to a God.
You bow to no one.
Fight hard. Fight well. Give your life everything you’ve got. And only when you’ve exhausted every effort, may you give in to despair. Until then, do not wallow in self-pity. Put in the work.
I say all of this because I love you and I know you are capable of this.
You can do this. I promise.
Get to work.
With Love,
Stephanie
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